A book, a diet, a lifestyle I have been revisiting over the years...
The Warrior Diet.
This has always impressed me as a manageable synthesis of all the truths about nutrition I have learned over the years. Reprogramming the metabolism, breaking free from the cycle of feedings we have accustomed ourselves to. Living a lifestyle more in tune with your body's feedback over the stimulation of the senses. The plan? Relatively basic. Eat nothing but fresh, raw fruits in the morning. Fresh, greens and vegetables in the afternoon, and after a stimulating workout, the evening meal can be of whatever quantity and quality your body tells you it needs. I'm not starving, I eat throughout the day...it's just fruits, vegetables and lots of water. Keeps my body from triggering the starvation/ storage reaction.
It also teaches you the benefits of HUNGER. Not simply for food...
Living on the edge of hunger and controlling it, just as you would want to control other passions, desires, cravings....puts you on edge, and GIVES you an edge. Senses are sharper, clearer, and your brain is more alert. Your activity level and the force with which you go after tasks is increased. You have rewards to look forward to...that evening meal, which keeps you goal oriented and focused.
It is the easiest way to experience what the gospel means when it's trying to teach you to overcome your physical body and have it submissive to your spirit. Its parallels in the moral discipline realm are staggering. That same edge, created by hunger, but kept at bay and focused is also the source of strength, confidence when applied to morality. There is a hunger, a craving...always present but kept at bay, and focused toward a goal. It gives you real power and transforms you from a weakling, complaining that you're hungry, into...well,...a machine. Fueled by the very thing that others would consider is robbing you of strength. Lesson is taught in Matthew. Even for great men, those stubborn 'devils' "goeth not out but by prayer and FASTING"- which is not simply to skip a few meals and call it a fast...but the lesson is to FAST, to subdue the body by the spirit, and when you FAST in all areas of life, (diet, fitness, morality, entertainment, etc) then you will experience what I'm trying to describe...a power.
What it has taught me is to not be afraid of hunger. To recognize it, control it and use it.
So the lesson to be conveyed to others, younger men who will one day be in my situation, it to not be afraid of physical cravings, but to recognize it, control it and use it.
Because, to be brutally honest, the one secret question on a lot of peoples' minds is how can someone do it? How can a man be asked to go for years at a time (whether on missions, deployments or whatever the case is) and not give into baser temptations. The world has conditioned us, just as in our diets, that it cannot and should not be done. We need 3 square meals a day to be healthy, right? Wrong. Dad taught me:
You either control yourself....or find yourself controlled.

(I kinda went off on a tangent there)
Back to the original point of this post: It works out well for me...except for today. I had my usual minimalist fruits and salad throughout the day, but then the unexpected delays at work caused me to miss the dinner hours at the chow hall. I guess I will have to fast completely until tomorrow morning, since the only other options are the water or diet Cokes in the fridge...

Ahhh, the Sabbath. As I sat next to our unit chaplain who had accompanied me to our Sacrament meeting, I enjoyed and extra outpouring of the Spirit. Having a guest attend meetings makes you acutely aware of everything going on. It's rare that I've viewed our services from the perspective of a non-member. I watched everything through new eyes, intent on seeing things as he was. And you know what? We have an amazing church! It may not have the entertainment factor of a live band, or the expected fiery sermon from a pastor, but it has its own gems...
Our hymns are beautiful, reverent, and today, accompanied only by a Soldier with a violin. The sacrament ordinance is simple, clear and powerful. And then to have a young Sergeant stand and deliver a discourse on the family that was given humbly and with the Spirit had to resonate with a man who has served as the pastor of a church for over 24 years, where he is expected to deliver a sermon that must hold the congregations attention week after week.

This chaplain is becoming a fast friend, someone whose conduct, conversation and influence is consistently uplifting. The group of men he frequently associates with are all on a journey together to read, study, compare and ponder older, various versions of scriptural texts, seeking the TRUTH that they are aware is in there, but not readily evident in modern interpretations. I find it interesting... the recognition that there is an absolute truth out there, and the acknowledgment, however circumstantial, that it is not contained within the construct of their religion. It is evident that it is insufficient for me to be grateful for my testimony...this gospel isn't about me...it's about them.

Today I got a double dose of the kiddos. Kris posted videos of them on their Spring Break tour of Kentucky, and then got to chat with them online. Thomas is growing so fast. His vocabulary has doubled. Makes him seem so grown up being able to carry on conversations with his sisters...until they start laughing, then he has to put on a show- as the center of all the attention. He's such a little man. Blows me away that I have the responsibility to grow him into a man. This is going to be fun...

If only I could be there more...

We can record today as a good day. Hopefully there are more of these in the future. Yesterday? Not so much...

I don't like seeing these same things over and over again. The urgent 9-Line that comes down for a US Soldier hit by an IED blast while dismounted, double amputee, uncontrollable bleeding. While the MEDEVAC birds were halfway there, we get word that he died of his wounds. We continue the mission, help recover the body and expedite his return home. Flag was at half-staff again today...

But today I avoided dwelling on those things. Kristy sent me my guitar...so all is right in the universe again.

The guys in the TOC are learning and coming along quite well. Things went a lot smoother today than they have the past couple days as they learned and stumbled in this new environment. When they're working efficiently, I can take a step back and relax more. Spent some time just chatting and joking with a couple of the Soldiers and got to know them a bit more. I really do love Soldiers. They're all amazing individuals with their own quirks and oddities. Some are knuckleheads, but that's just because they can't grasp some tasks they're given or don't interact smoothly with others, but they're still amazing people. Maybe I just take too much of a paternal, instinctual approach. My roommate noticed it and called me on it, saying I treat them like my kids. We never did delve into that to see if he meant it as a good or bad thing. I've been taking care of Soldiers at the company level for 8 years now. It's really all I've known.

This new job will take some getting used to. I just spent the last 12 hours in the operations center, managing, tracking, and problem solving as a Battle Captain in training. A lot of information flows across that desk, and with the mission load this unit is pulling and the number of flights coming and going, the focus required can put a lot of strain on the eyes and mind. I know it's just the steep learning curve and that it will soon be second nature, but for the first full day, I'm wore out. It doesn't come naturally to sit inside a building, with no view of the sunlight or outside world, making decisions that affect real flights and real people outside, many of whom you may never meet. I do have the benefit of having been that guy launching outside the wire, so I am careful not to overstep the necessary bounds or "climb in their cockpit" as the phrase goes. The demands for information, the requirements and priorities are just different inside the TOC, than they are for the guys and gals actually out flying the missions.
So, what is the unit's senior Captain doing at the Battle Captain's desk, pulling his weight with the other Lieutenants, you may ask? Fortunately (or not) it is a necessary evil. My roles as Chief of Current Operations (CHOPS) does not demand a full time position in this environment, nor does my other role as Medical Operations Officer. Thus...ergo...by default...here I am. This will allow us all to not be overwhelmed by long shifts (I make the 4th Btl Cpt) and will allow rotating days off, and days free to fly, to maintain that perspective we may lose if we were to exclusively work in that cave. The question has been asked, am I upset, do I feel this is beneath me, but the answer will always be no. I will do my job and do it best. This approach has worked well thus far. My ambitions do not require me to have a certain critical assignment at this point. I need to help this new unit succeed at their most critical mission, that being MEDEVAC, and remain safe to return to my family...that's it. The rest is merely fluff...commentary...and drama.

PART II

One week down...
I've spent this week getting over the jet lag, adjusting to the temperature, dust and smells. The food, my stomach is still fighting. I've actually come along way since first hitting ground. The feelings I was dealing with when I laid my eyes on Kandahar for the second time were not pleasant. There was this voice inside of me that just wanted to SCREAM....

I have a new respect for the phrase "two tours" (or more). It was something I was exposed to often when reading or learning about Soldiers in Vietnam. I always seemed to give them credit at the end for surviving the hellish place it was again, but never thought much about what they endured- just going back.

I guess what is most disturbing is the perspective this forces you into. The sights, sounds and smells are so real, because they stir memories and are in your face constantly, that THIS seems like the only real thing. This past 14 months I enjoyed with my family at home...that has been forced into the background as almost a dream. That just is not fair to them, and I feel like someone is robbing me of my most precious memories.

I've also had to deal with those other thoughts watching the MEDEVACs launch and return. The suffering of my fellow men has jumped back into, and is stirring a knot in my gut. My younger brother Bo, also a MEDEVAC officer and pilot has just headed out to Taji, Iraq to face these same challenges. Can't help but worry about him, too.

Looking for a little perspective here....

Just because we don't fly outside the wire anymore, doesn't mean we aren't still fighting battles that are just as stressful and just as frustrating. These would be more of the interpersonal and political type...
Realizing that nobody is worried about us...but us. As the Task Force pushes out their hundreds of Soldiers, we discovered that our little band of brothers is nobody's priority. Our 'planned, scheduled, locked in, good-to-go' fly home date....wasn't. Only when we started making scheduling arrangements for customs inspections and transportation to the terminal, did someone discover that there were no flights scheduled on that day...or any mission ID's assigned to move 18 personnel and 6 containers to Korea anywhere on the calendar, for that matter! This late in the game, the next available flight they could (or would) schedule was when? 2 days later, of course. Nevermind that we've been mission complete for a while now, just sitting around in a tent- while I strive to keep the guys focused, optimistic and out of trouble. (When Soldiers are bored- they tend to get creative when looking for entertainment...usually means trouble and paperwork for me....) Since we're on our own, our loyalties have gone to the wayside- so we've energized every alternative, back-door channel we know to try to get the flight scheduled earlier (i.e. Korea chain of command, Inspector General, Congressmen, and spouses- our most powerful lobby). With nothing else to focus on, this has become my defining battle.
We will be here so long that our reservation in this tent will expire....300 Jordanians are moving in, so they are going to move us BACK into our modular housing units. Feels like we're going backwards....pretty soon they're going to ask us to unpack our flight gear and start pulling missions again to cover these guys when they start going on their R&R leave....
My biggest push to get these guys out of here earlier (other than keeping them out of trouble) is their safety. 'Rocket Man' still lobs his rounds at us every other day or so. Those things can land anywhere, at anytime. My blood boiled the other day when a guy, waiting for a ride on a helicopter, standing in front of our TOC had a negligent discharge of his rifle. Only shot himself (chalk up another life saved to SFC Darden- my senior medic and Platoon Sergeant), but if that round had strayed into one of my guys....I was furious. (Yes, I can get quite upset at times...I've even raised my voice before....)
So we can't really relax and unwind yet. Frustrations are still high, and when you pack them all into a tent, with no other outlet, they get themselves worked into quite a tizzy (yes, it's a Scrabble word).
I'm ready to go...need a break. Christmas was a 'somewhat' depressing day, that I may not have recovered from yet. The party/meal was great- but the more they tried to make it seem like Christmas, the more depressing it really was. I think I would have preferred it if it was just another day. I think it was the music. Christmas music is usually what makes Christmas a special time. The live brass ensemble performing in the chow hall seemed to have the opposite effect. I went back to bed and slept a couple hours off the day instead of fighting the emotions.